


The Box

by nightingales_lament



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Adult Language, Angst, First Time, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Masturbation, Sex Toys, Teenage Awkwardness, graphic descriptions of really disturbing shit, sexual awakening, some comedic bullshittery, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 11:01:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25469686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nightingales_lament/pseuds/nightingales_lament
Summary: Remus is the first to be hit by puberty. And with that, his transformations become a lot more painful and violent, and the Beast inside him is tearing him apart day and night... The only way he can buy himself some time away from the nightmares is if he gives into the carnal urges the Wolf incites in him, but pleasure often comes accompanied by more terror. Until one day he finds out that not only is he gay, but his attraction to his best friend is so strong, it can drown out most of the horrible thoughts invading his mind. So that's just what he has to do... He has to wank to the thought of Sirius.Sirius just really likes Remus. Like... REALLY really likes him. As a friend, of course... A friend who just so happens to be gorgeous and when they spend a Christmas together at fourth year, something happens and now Sirius can't keep his mind off Remus and he just can't keep his hands out of his pants. Finally having had enough, he decides to get to the bottom of this obsession and purge Remus from his mind once and for all, but then he finds a mysterious box under Remus' bed, and that changes just about everything...
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	1. Part 1 - Remus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [The magnificent Mr. Crane](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+magnificent+Mr.+Crane).



> Content warning: I tagged this as rape/non-con not because there are explicit scenes of sexual violence inflicted on a character by another external party, but because the way I see the nature of Remus' relationship with the wolf and the effects of that relationship, to me it reads kind of in a rape-y way, and I can see how this might be triggering to certain people. Please, proceed with caution.
> 
> Okay everybody, listen here. Some of this is going to be a breeze, and some of this is going to be extremely hard to read. I'm sorry about that. If you have trauma relating to the subject or if you feel uncomfortable exploring a traumatised teenager's blooming sexuality, filled with shame and dread and horrifying intrusive thoughts, please find something else to read! 
> 
> I'm sorry, I really don't know why I'm doing this to any of us... or poor poor Remus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is scared and haunted by terrible nightmares and violent visions. He's also very, VERY gay...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to start out rough, this chapter is going to be one of the hard ones. Since the story is chronological, Remus is the youngest here and this fact might make this particularly hard to read. But I promise, once you get through the rough of it, he's going to end up being just fine ;)

Remus was hot for Sirius before he knew what being hot for someone even meant. From the day they’d met, from the first time on the Hogwarts express he knew he wanted to be close to this boy, he wanted to be his friend, his confidante, his partner in crime… and as they grew older and as puberty hit Remus before it did any of the other three, his wanting to be with Sirius has gained a whole new layer of dark secrecy Remus felt deeply uncomfortable about and generally didn’t know what to do with.

The first time it happened was after a transformation. The waning moon was still pulling on him hard, the Beast restlessly whispering in his ear and he faded in and out of consciousness for days at the hospital ward – his heart filled with dread and his head filled with fevered visions.

He couldn’t remember the dream, not exactly, but he woke up with a gasp, drenched in sweat, nauseous and disgusted, heart racing and head still full of images so vile he could barely breathe – and his sheets were sticky and soiled and he cried and Madam Pomfrey sent him to take a shower while she changed the bed. His ears were burning with shame when he returned, but the witch said nothing and Remus was so grateful he almost started crying again.

He didn’t like to think about that night, because even after all this time, he could still feel the dream, _sweet and heavy like the smell of rotting meat, and there was carnage and blood and violence, and there was Sirius, and…_

Remus steadied himself, pushing the thought out of his head, trying to focus on his homework. He really needed to study because the transformations that came with the onset of puberty were more violent and straining than anytime before, the Beast raging and tearing through him so brutally, he needed a week at a time to fully recover. He’d lost a lot of weight and he’d missed a lot of school, so he really couldn’t afford falling any further behind than he already had. But Sirius was sitting across the table and Remus blushed because Sirius came back from the summer looking different… He’d grown hair in places and muscles, lots of muscles… his chest and shoulders have broadened, and he suddenly didn’t look like a boy anymore, he now had a young man’s body and he was probably bored because he was casually chewing on a finger and sometimes he’d yawn and stretch, arching his whole body backwards and making that drawn-out noise that had no right to make his cock tingle the way it did and Remus realised with mortified terror that he was hard, his erection straining uncomfortably against the confinement of his pants. 

Remus knew he was gay – of course he knew it, but the fact that he was _this_ gay, and especially _this gay for Sirius_ was something he had a harder time getting behind. After those initial, horrifying wet dreams he realised that he’d have a calmer night if he masturbated before falling asleep, and he just accepted this as part of his new reality. Not that he liked masturbating all that much because his mind would often wander and end up in places that made his stomach turn, but orgasms were nice and they helped him appease the Beast for long enough so he could get in a few hours of fitful sleep without dreaming of gore and viscera and waking up covered in blood and cum. And if you asked Remus, that was a worthwhile exchange.

Except for the part where he needed to escalate things for it to keep working. The first time he’d ever masturbated was awkward and fumbly, and he wasn’t exactly sure what he was doing, but his hands found his erect cock and when he touched it, a delicious shiver ran down his spine and the Beast stirred approvingly in the back of his head, so he did it again. He wrapped his hand around his cock and moved his hips, fucking into his fist and that felt bloody brilliant, so he kept going at it. He could feel something build up within him, and as he came he chocked out a gasp and he spilled his cum on his hand and he brought it up to his lips and licked it. He didn’t like the taste much, but the act itself sent electric charge running up and down his spine and he licked his hand clean before collapsing back onto his bed.

For a while this was what he did every night. He took a shower, brushed his teeth, grabbed a towel from the bathroom in case there was some accidental spillage, went to bed and just lay there for a few minutes, listening to whether his parents decided to check in on him that night. Once he was sure that he was safe and alone, he shoved his pyjama pants down, knelt in the middle of his bed and fucked his own fist until he was ready to blow, and just as it was about to happen, he wrapped a hand around his head and caught all the cum, then fed it to himself, licking and sucking on his fingers until they were absolutely clean.

But then the thoughts came. Horrible pictures filled his mind and he wanted to scream but the thoughts wrapped their tendrils around his brain, forcing themselves into his thoughts and he bit his lip and tasted blood and cried out and violently came all over the bed. He could barely make it to the bathroom before he threw up. He slumped down on the floor, crying, feeling violated and empty. He pulled himself together, flushed the toilet, cleaned up the bed and cried himself to sleep.

So he knew he had to make it more intense, make it _feel_ better so his mind would be preoccupied by it and he wouldn’t have time to think about those horrible things. He’d noticed how every time he was about to cum there would be this strange throbbing deep inside his ass and he was wondering what it would feel like, having something up there, so next time he felt the urge, he licked a finger and stuck it up his ass. It felt a bit strange and a bit like he had to go out, but it also felt like he wanted it deeper, so he sat down on his hand, forcing his finger as deep as it would go and then he felt that familiar throb and he pressed his finger against it and he exploded, screaming and thrashing and blindly clawing at the spot that made him feel so good and he kept pushing it until it hurt and until his wild spasms calmed into a gentle pulsing. _Yeah, that was definitely something to remember._

By the time he returned to school in the fourth year, he’d been routinely fucking himself with whatever he could get his hands on. He’d put pens and markers in his ass, also the handle of his toothbrush, then his hair brush, then a suggestively shaped ice cube, carrots, cucumbers, the handle of various household implements… long story short, literally anything he could think of that might satisfy his craving. He’d also discovered porn over the summer, and this had once and for all confirmed his suspicion that he might be _screaming gay_.

It didn’t really bother him. As far as he was concerned, he was fucked when it came to romantic prospects anyway, so it’s not like being gay would be the thing that would lose him all those hot dates. He took it in stride, like most everything in life because he was used to the pain and the ways his body kept betraying and humiliating him, so in a way he was far less hung up on it than many of his age group might have been.

But then Sirius came back from summer break, and holy shit Sirius was gorgeous and Remus knew that he would have to be careful about staring and drooling because Sirius was still _Sirius_ , his best mate and partner in crime and he would probably not take it as calmly if Remus were to accidentally get a raging boner every time he walked by… _If_ he knew about it, of course… _If he knew about it…_

* * *

Keeping up with his regular routine was kind of hard while sharing the dorms with his three friends. Sure, he could catch a quick, sneaky wank here and there, mostly confined in the shower or on those afternoons when James had quidditch practice and Sirius and Peter decided the weather was good enough to hang around and watch it, so he could have a quiet hour to himself at the dorm… but generally speaking, he had to cut back heavily on wanking and even when he got the chance, the constant dread of being interrupted had put him off enough that he could never quite enjoy himself as much as he had at home in his own bedroom.

Discovering the room of requirement was pure bliss. He wandered up on it by accident, one night when the moon was waxing and looming heavily over him, and the Wolf was stirring and scratching at the back of his brain… He knew this was one of those nights he was not allowed to sleep, not unless he was ready to accept the horrors the Beast had in store for him that time, and knowing how his less frequent masturbatory schedule did not please It at all, he was less than keen to feel Its wrath first hand.

So he aimlessly treaded the corridors, trying to walk himself into a stupor, when he noticed something odd. The door materialised in front of him out of the bare wall, and Remus was almost certain that he’d walked past this exact spot several times already and there has never been a door here before, but there it was, as real and solid as the wall it came out of, and driven by sudden curiosity, Remus tentatively tried the handle. The door swung open soundlessly and Remus found himself looking into a very odd chamber. A very odd chamber indeed.

The room was small and it reminded Remus suspiciously of his own bedroom at his parents’ house, down to the exact copy of his bed in the middle of it. To one side stood a discreet night stand, lotion and paper towels at the ready, along with some select gentlemen’s mags and other steamy reads peaking out of the top drawer. On the other side of the bed was something entirely new though. The thing looked most like a store display, with rows and rows of shelves stacked as high as Remus could reach and the shelves were lit by magical light, showcasing a plethora of items that made Remus’ insides twist with anticipation.

The display case was full of sex toys. Dildos, cock rings, vibrating butt plugs, leather fetish gear, collars and leashes, all sorts of magical concoctions, enhancers and extenders lay neatly spread out on the well-lit shelves. Remus blushed and he wondered where exactly the room got its ideas from, but he was suddenly too excited, too horny and too distracted to really go down that rabbit hole. Instead, he stepped in front of the cabinet and opened the glass doors with slightly shaking hands.

He'd never seen so many toys before and he couldn’t even guess what some of the things were or how they worked. His hungry eyes wandered around the case for a while, trying to decide what to try first, and finally settled on a sizeable, realistic looking dildo which had a small note attached to it, reading _“Handle with care. He can feel you.”_

Remus shuddered and his cock gave a solid twitch. His skin was flushed and hot and he could feel the Wolf’s hunger building up at the base of his spine, urging him to get on the bed, rip his clothes off and give himself over to the sensation of being stretched and filled and fucked until he screamed. And this time he wasn’t going to deny it.

He stepped out of his robes, letting them fall to the floor. He took his shirt off and dropped his trousers to the ground, leaving his underpants on for the time being. He considered stripping down completely, but he felt like taking his time. He wasn’t sure what the room was or how it worked, but his instincts told him that he was inside an illusion and he wouldn’t be bothered until he’d finished what he came here for. So he dove onto the bed and reached for one of the magazines in the drawer. It was a muggle paper, featuring a muggle sports team, water polo, Remus reckoned, because the men were shown in and around a pool wearing nothing but very tight swimming trunks. All arms and muscles and six packs and tan skin and Remus was achingly hard, so he oiled up one hand from the little vial he found next to the magazines, and he slid it into his pants. His cock welcomed his oily palm with an enthusiastic twitch and he slid it over the shaft, rubbing the head a few times until his whole cock was nice and oiled up. At this point he lay back down and started fucking his hand a bit, sliding his oil slick cock over his smooth, flat palm, looking at some more muggle sportsmen.

The centrefold featured a gorgeous hunk of a man, who looked… well, he looked suspiciously like an aged-up, buffed-up version of Sirius and Remus blushed so deeply he could feel the blood rush into his head. His cock was leaking and for a moment he wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to finish himself off to this gorgeous _not_ -Sirius, but then he decided that since this guy was clearly just that, _not_ _Sirius_ , there was nothing wrong with getting off to him since there was nothing wrong at all with having a _type_.

He finally got rid of his pants too and grabbed the cock he was so desperate to feel inside of him this whole time. The Wolf scratched and howled, and Remus shivered feverishly as he lubed up the huge object. _It had a pulse._ He could feel it, firm and clear under his grip and he remembered the note on the display: _he can feel you._

Remus knelt on the bed, legs spread and ready. He reached back and placed the base of the cock on the bed, then lowered himself until he could feel the head pressing against his entrance. His hole twitched and his cock throbbed and then he sat down on it, taking it in as deep as he could go, then started bouncing on it, going a little deeper every time until he was sitting flat on the bed, the huge cock balls-deep inside him. Remus was shaking and panting and waves of hot and cold were crashing through his body. The dildo felt enormous inside him and he could feel it throb and struggle, wanting to pleasure him, _wanting to pound and fuck and take and ravage…_

Remus fell forward and caught himself on his elbows. His face hit the pillow and his ass swung up in the air, but the cock was still inside him and to his major surprise, it started moving on its own. It rammed into him, driving itself deep inside his ass, and Remus shrieked and bit the pillow because there was pain and white hot pleasure and he wanted nothing but to be fucked like this, taken and given to and filled and fulfilled until he was no more and his world would shatter into a million pieces. And the cock fucked him mercilessly.

Remus pushed himself up to his elbows and frantically grabbed at the magazine. He wanted to look at Sirius, he wanted to imagine him, feel him inside his body, he wanted to be fucked by him and stare him in the face at the same time, and as he looked at the picture the features changed, the age and years of training melted off the man and he morphed into the familiar figure of _real_ Sirius, slyly grinning at him, posing for him, and Remus noticed that under his trunks he was hard and he was touching himself with one hand, the other suspiciously disappearing behind his back. _Sirius Black was fingering himself for him._

Remus screamed and choked and cried and came and came and came. _The Wolf purred satisfied._


	2. Part 2 - Sirius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius is going to spend Christmas alone at Hogwarts, heartbroken over his parents forcing his little brother to return home. Remus decides to stay, to keep him company. They get drunk for the first time of the night of the Yule Ball, and Sirius gets an unexpected and confused boner.
> 
> Hyperfocused on Remus' body, Sirius spirals into a downright obsession, which can only be cured by exploring it to the bottom. Little does he know that his attempt of purging Remus from his mind will result in just the opposite of that...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a lighter chapter, with some serious (Sirius) wanking. There are still intrusive sexual thoughts and fantasies, but they are way less disturbing in nature than the ones in the previous chapter. 
> 
> There is also some kinky shit about to go down ^~^

The first time Sirius noticed Remus was in fourth year. I mean, he’d of course noticed him before – they were joined at the hips since their first time on the Hogwarts express, along with Peter and James, although James used to be a girl back then… Nevermind that now. The point is, Sirius _noticed_ Remus in fourth year, because that was the year the four of them finally moved into the same dorm, when James was finally allowed to sleep at the boys’ quarters and he and James and Peter and Remus started sharing that dingy room that permanently smelled of dirty laundry and teenage boys, and in that disgraceful setting, Sirius finally _noticed_ Remus for the first time.

What surprised him the most was the nature of this experience. You’d expect one to _notice_ one’s roommate if one were to walk in on said roommate in a private and compromising moment, or maybe when they are changing or undressing for a shower… And sure, Sirius _did_ notice those occasions as well, but that came later, as a result of his initial notice of Remus, not the cause of it.

It was the small things, really. Remus sitting at the windowsill, trying to catch the last glimpses of natural light to read by, the setting sun lighting his auburn hair ablaze. Remus pulling his heavy sweater off, lazily stretching like a cat, arching his back so his shirt climbs up to reveal a hint of his flat stomach. Remus studying; his face calm and thoughtful, his nose slightly wrinkled and his fingertips are gently grazing the edge of the page he’s reading. Sometimes he reaches after his quill, never taking his eyes off the line he’s fixated on, yet his fingers find the grip of the quill effortlessly, he picks it up, dips it in the inkwell, tapping it twice at the side of it to get rid of any excess ink, always twice, making a gentle tap-tap sound, then hurriedly scribbling some notes on the margin, slightly frowning, dropping the quill back on the table without giving any further notice to it.

Sirius had always found Remus to be a very comforting presence, even though he wasn’t as charismatic as the loud and flamboyant James, nor as funny as the chubby and jovial Peter whose reserved exterior masked a wicked sense of humour only his inner circle was ever privy to. Remus was quiet and a little shy and way too mature for his age… But he was also kind and funny and sometimes, when the moon was new and he was less bothered by the Beast eating him from the inside, his eyes would fill with laughter and mischief and he would mastermind plans James and Sirius would most definitely get in trouble for. And Sirius loved him for it. He’d loved him as a friend, a brother, someone he could always turn to, the only boy he could ever share more serious subjects with. Remus was his partner in brooding as much as in laughter – Sirius had taken to confiding in him about his innermost fears and insecurities as well as his bright and cheerful ideas, albeit he’d never admit to any of this to the others, as he didn’t feel like being the subject of James’ tactless mocking for the rest of his life.

And then it happened. It was Christmas in the fourth year, and James and Peter had left to celebrate with their families. Sirius wouldn’t go home of course, and he was furious because his parents categorically refused to let his younger brother Regulus stay at Hogwarts too, and he was too young to properly stand up for himself. Seeing how broken up he was about this, Remus last minute decided to stay too – he mumbled something about his parents going on a ski trip and how his achy joints wouldn’t be able to handle that, then blushed and quickly changed the subject, and Sirius’ heart was filled with warmth he’d rarely felt before, if ever.

Neither of them having had a girlfriend, Sirius asked Remus for the Yule Ball, and the two of them bribed a sixth year Hufflepuff for some eggnog to sweeten the festivities. Neither of them had drunk before, and as the heavy, creamy booze started to rush into their heads, they spent the whole evening in fits of giggles as they fumbled through the dance floor, imitating a sweeping waltz, Sirius dangling a bit of mistletoe above his head, making kissy noises at Remus, who shoved him so hard he went tumbling back into a table, landing in the remains of a Christmas pudding. Remus laughed so hard he was wheezing and could barely manage the cleaning charm. McGonagall was yelling, threatening she’d throw them out, but the glint in her eyes betrayed her stern manners, and Remus had the sensibility to grab Sirius by the arm and drag him outside the castle where they fell into a pile of magical snow and just lay there, panting and laughing and heads swimming in festive cheer.

It was a crispy cold night, perfectly still and silent. The muffled sounds of the Ball seeped through the walls, but they were dull and far away and Sirius felt like they were a universe away from them. They were a universe away from everything, the castle, the odd couple kissing here and there, or walking hand in hand by the lake, the forest and the moon looming ominously above it… The world stilled and fell away from them and all that remained was the two of them, the magical snow that was soft and pleasantly cool but not too cold nor wet, and the stars above. And Remus’ face was flushed, his chest rising and falling rapidly, the remnants of laughter at the corner of his mouth and the stars reflecting in his eyes. And Remus was so beautiful, so perfect, lying besides him in the snow… Whenever Sirius thought back of him later, he’d always see him like that, his lips slightly parted, his neck arching in a beautiful curve, his eyes wide and filled with marvel. Sirius felt drunk and breathless, but not because the eggnog.

He wanted to kiss Remus then and there. _He wanted to roll atop him, pin him to the ground, and kiss him for real, bury his face in the curve of his neck, smell the warm, familiar scent of his hair, hold him, touch him, plant wet kisses on his hot skin, kiss away all the pain of the scars that defaced his body, he wanted to grab him and bite him and lick him and…_

Sirius came back to himself with a jolt, glancing at Remus, trying to gauge whether the boy had noticed the quickening of his breath or the lustful expression on his face. But Remus was still facing the stars, his eyes just as wonderous as before, and the shadow of that smile still lingering at his lips. Sirius rolled to his side. He was painfully hard under his robes and he knew if he stayed on his back, Remus, and anyone walking by, for that matter, would easily be able to spot it. He tried to take a few deep breaths but the ache in his groin and the nauseous feeling welling in his stomach remained. He pulled himself up to his elbow, and this finally snapped Remus out of his trance, giving his friend a worried look.

“Are you okay there?” he asked quietly, laying a gentle hand on Sirius’ shoulder.

“Yeah, just… stomach is not feeling that good” Sirius breathed, desperately trying not to freak out because Remus was touching him now, and his head was swimming and his cock was screaming for release and his skin was hot and hypersensitive and he could feel the fabric grazing against it and his hair caressing his neck and he needed to get out of there, he needed to be alone, he needed to cum so hard he’d never needed anything this much in his life, and he couldn’t tell any of this to Remus, so he stumbled onto his feet, yelped something about needing to go to the bathroom and practically bolted for the door, leaving the thoroughly confused Remus alone, sitting in the magically tamed snow.

* * *

Sirius was reeling. He was hot and bothered and his pants were uncomfortably tight. _Not again_ , he thought. What the hell was wrong with him anyway?

It was three days after Christmas, and he felt like he might have taken the wrong turn on a corridor and ended up in hell. Ever since the Yule Ball, he couldn’t keep his eyes off Remus… and he couldn’t keep his hand out of his pants. He watched Remus sleep the next morning, his covers thrown back, his whole upper body on display. Sirius watched him carefully, mapping the slope of his chest, the curve of his shoulder, the wells of his clavicles – Remus’ head was turned, facing away from him, showing a generous amount of his slender neck and the perfect arch of his jawline. His auburn hair, already streaking with grey, lay across his pillow like a broken halo.

Sirius’ eyes wandered downwards, past his chest, the ridges of his protruding ribs, down to the concave of his stomach, his skin stretched tight, almost painfully skinny, his hip bones lifting the waist band of his underpants away from his stomach, _just enough that he could catch a glimpse down there, or slide his hand under the elastic and let his hungry fingertips explore Remus’ lap, caressing his coarse hair, tracing the scar running across his left hip down to his thigh, gently grazing his awakening cock…_

Sirius was breathing heavy. Precum was steadily streaming from his cock and hadn’t even noticed that he was fondling himself until he was on the verge of cumming. He was on the verge of cumming _from looking at Remus sleep_ , and this thought freaked him out so much he almost blew his load there and then. He shuffled out of bed in a panic, dashed into the bathroom and practically ripped his pyjama pants off. He turned on the shower and stepped into the harsh stream. It was too hot and the sudden pain made him wince, but he didn’t care. He grabbed his aching, twitching cock and his mind went right back to Remus, his underpants lifted off his stomach, and he thought of pulling them off, revealing his cock, as slender and lean as everything else on him, long, hard and a bit flushed, and Sirius thought of touching it and then he was cumming, oh god he was cumming so hard, thick ropes of cum shooting out of his cock and he was pretty sure he was moaning and he was hoping he did not scream Remus’ name just then, because there was no way he didn’t hear this, there was no way he wouldn’t have woken up to Sirius crying his name in the shower on Christmas morning, and the humiliation of it sent Sirius spiralling out, his legs giving in, collapsing to the floor, and just staying there, a shaking, panting mess and he was oh so grateful for the hot stream of water that would muffle his cries and wash the worst of his shame away. He stayed there on the floor for a while, head thrown back against the cold tiles, his whole body trembling, trying to catch his breath. He didn’t remember ever cumming this hard before, and the thought scared him.

Not only the fact that he didn’t know an orgasm of this intensity existed, but also because there was no way of denying it now, he had a problem and he had no idea what to do with it. Last night, after he stumbled back to his room and came all over himself inside ten seconds from taking his cock out, he told himself it was the eggnog. _He was young, and first time drunk and he got confused because he just shared an intense moment with Remus and somehow the alcohol had crossed his wires and he got turned on and that was just fine, guys get turned on by the weirdest things, and it had nothing to do with Remus really…_ In the quiet comfort of his bed, all cleaned up and relieved, he could make himself believe that it was just that – a random confused boner, and that was all there was to it.

But now it was the morning after, and he just had the most intense, most terrifying orgasm of his life and he most likely had _just screamed Remus’ name while cumming_ , and well, this was a whole different issue. Because now he had to get out of the shower and get dressed and go out there and face whatever this was, and Sirius didn’t want to do any of that, in fact he just wanted to die of embarrassment right there on the floor. But there was nothing to it. Sirius slowly opened his eyes and peered through the steam-filled bathroom. Nothing in there had changed, it was just his bathroom, and the familiar view helped him get back to his senses a bit. He quickly washed himself, made sure any damning evidence was gone and closed the tap. He dried himself roughly, giving his body a way too harsh rub with the old, scratchy towel, leaving his skin raw and pink, but he didn’t care. His body needed to be punished and desensitised because his skin was tingling and his mind wasn’t quite clear yet. He had a hard time breathing – he didn’t even realise how steamy the bathroom had gotten but now that his faculties were returning, he was painfully aware that he was breathing the hot mist and it made him light-headed and urged him to get out of the bathroom. He stood at the door for a second, listening to any signs of Remus being awake, but he’d only been met with silence. Having no other option, Sirius tentatively opened up the bathroom door, letting thick curls of steam exit, taking deep, sharp breaths of the room’s comparatively cool air.

Remus was still sleeping, still in the exact same position, his breathing peaceful and even, and Sirius didn’t dare look at him too closely, he just grabbed some clothes, quickly got dressed and hightailed it out of the room before Remus had time to wake up. The bemused smile on Remus’ face widened as he heard the door close behind Sirius.

* * *

_Shit shit shit shit shi–_

Sirius feels like he’s about to lose it. New Year’s Eve is at hand, there is mischief to be planned but all he can think about is Remus. More specifically, the curve of Remus’ ass, the soft heat radiating from his skin, his fingers _(oh god, his fingers!)_ , his lips, his gorgeous hair he can smell all the way across the room, _and what he would look like naked, and…_ _This is dangerous territory._ This is where he has to catch himself, before he spirals into his hazy daydreams again that inevitably end in sticky messes and shame burning on his face. He _cannot_ think about Remus this way. He _cannot_ think about _what his lips would taste like… What his naked body would look like, sprawled across his bed… How he would shiver when Sirius was running his tongue down his stomach…_ He can absolutely _not_ think about _sucking Remus off. Wrapping his lips around the head of his cock, tasting him, teasing him, moving up and down his shaft just enough to make him wild, tantalizing him until he loses his patience, grabbing Sirius by the hair and thrusting into his mouth as hard as he can…_

_No!_

Sirius knows he’s lost. Fortunately, it’s the middle of the day and Remus mumbled something about having to prepare for the next semester at breakfast and retreated to the library hours ago. Sirius looks around the mostly empty common room and for a crazy moment he considers bringing himself off right there and then. Clinging to the last remnants of his sanity, he pulls himself up from the cozy chair he’s been lounging in for the past few hours and makes a beeline for his dorm. Once he’s safely alone, he locks the door and casts a variety of silencing and warding charms. He doesn’t want to be bothered and he _definitely_ doesn’t want to be heard. Maybe he’s been going about this the wrong way all along. Maybe if he indulges his fantasies instead of trying to suppress them, he would finally be done with this whole Remus bullshit and he could go back to being normal by the time the guys come back from the holiday. Nobody would ever have to know.

 _Yeah. This sounds reasonable. This is exactly what he should do._ Fuck being ashamed of what he wants, why not just think it through, imagine all there is to be imagined and just get it out of his system. Okay, so his brain has latched onto the idea of his best friend being hot, so what?! It’s not like there is anything wrong with that, and Remus _is_ a very attractive guy…

Sirius settles on his bed, ready to imagine _everything_ about Remus. He’s nice and alone and ready to shamelessly rub one off to his best friend.

_He can’t think of a damned thing._

_Alright, no trouble, let’s just do what we always do,_ he tells himself patiently, _let’s start out with just getting undressed. That’s a good start, right, and at least for once I won’t mess up my clothes…_

He peels his robes off and awkwardly folds them, followed by the rest of his clothes, piling them neatly at the foot of his bed.

_Good. Now that I’m naked, I can get onto wanking. I can just sit right here, looking at Remus’ bed, yes, that’s his bed, that’s where he sleeps…_

He touches his dick but it’s barely responding. He gives it a few tentative tugs, but he feels sore from all the frantic wanking he’s been doing this past week, about five times a day… Alright, maybe he’s not ready yet, so he should just go back to thinking about Remus, and see where his fantasy takes him.

_He’s completely blank._

Maybe he should go over to Remus’ bed… Just so he can smell him better, feel his sheets on his naked skin, imagine he’s in there with Remus… Yeah, that’s good, and the bed does smell like him and Sirius’ cock twitches slightly, getting harder by the minute. _This is working._

He buries his face in Remus’ pillow, soaking in his familiar smell. His cock twitches again, more prominently this time, although when he touches it he realises he still isn’t fully erect. He tries to lie down on his stomach, cock pressed against Remus’ sheets, and he tries to move his hips a bit, grinding against the cloth, but his dick is sore and the linens feel rough against his sensitive head and he loses the thought and the developing erection, leaving a frustrated emptiness in his stomach.

_This is no good._

He thinks about just getting dressed and leaving but a stubborn part of his brain stops him.

_No. This bullshit, it ends today! I’m going to do it. I’m going to purge Remus from my mind and I’m not leaving this dorm until I’m done with it._

He sits up and looks around the room for inspiration. Why is it so hard to think about him now when he’s been having nothing but intrusive fantasies about him this whole week?

He picks up a few things from the floor, mostly dirty laundry and a few books, but nothing sparks interest in him. He’s halfway hanging off the bed, trying to reach something he thinks might be a diary when he sees the box under Remus’ bed. It’s not too big, and it looks kind of inconspicuous except for the part where it’s neatly tucked under Remus’ bed in a way that the others wouldn’t be able to see it from their beds or even sitting on the floor. Sirius’ stomach lurches and he scrambles for the box, suspecting dirty secrets stashed inside it.

His fingers tremble slightly as he pulls it up to the bed. It’s small, barely bigger than a biscuit tin, but it’s surprisingly heavy for its size. He gently peels the lid off and peers inside. The only thing he can see is some soft black cloth, probably velvet, and for a moment there he considers just closing the box and putting it back where he found it. _These are Remus’ private things._ Whatever is under that cloth, it belongs to Remus and if he wanted to show it to him, he would do so in his own time. But he’s too curious. He glances around the room, making sure all his protective charms are still in place and he yanks the cloth away with one swift motion.

_No. Fucking. Way._

Heat rushes into his face faster than he can process the view. The first thing, the _only_ thing he can see is a… well, it’s a quite sizeable dildo. It just lies there in the box, thick and heavy and awfully lifelike, a disembodied erection, waiting for… _oh god!_ He doesn’t want to touch it, but his hands are on autopilot, and he watches in horror as they slowly wrap around the cock and take it out of the box so he can better study it. _It’s an anatomically correct penis, large and hard and squishy at the same time, beautifully lined with blueish veins and the head is plump and shiny…_ Sirius’ cock twitches hard. He runs his fingers across the dildo’s surface, feeling the soft skin and the ridges and _wow this thing is really lifelike, I mean, it’s REALLY lifelike…_ It’s warm and it slightly pulsates under his fingers and a tiny drop of precum shines at its slit as Sirius rubs his thumb on the head.

He's proper hard by now, and he wants to play with the dildo, _Remus’ dildo_ more, but there are other things in the box and he needs to find out what those are too. He gently places the huge cock next to him on the bed and turns his attention back to the remaining items. Something soft and silky-looking catches his eye and he pulls the tiny piece of fabric out next – it’s a pair of lacy, silky knickers. Sirius tilts his head, trying to figure out what this means. _I mean, it can only mean two things. 1, Remus stole these from a girl he fancies, and he keeps them in his wank-box as a trophy next to his enormous dildo, or…. Oooor, maybe…_

An image fills his head, _Remus wearing the knickers, his ass in the air, face pressed against the pillow… the head of his cock is shamelessly poking out from under the lacy waistband._ Sirius gasps and a huge gob of precum rolls down his shaft. He catches it deftly, slowly spreading it on his cock with one finger. He brings the fabric up to his nose and sniffs the crotch of the knickers. They don’t smell of pussy. They don’t smell much of anything, but there is a vague scent of detergent and a hint of Remus on them… Another spurt of precum runs down his cock and he rubs this one away too. He knows if he keeps sniffing _Remus’ lacy knickers_ he’s going to erupt right there, so he steadies himself, lets go of his cock and puts the garment down next to the dildo. He forces a few slow, deep breaths, waits for his pulse to calm a bit and goes back to inspect the last item in the box.

The piece of parchment is neatly rolled up, perfectly inconspicuous in comparison to the other two objects. He takes it out and gently unfolds it, hands shaking and breath catching in his throat.

Sketches.

Sirius recognises Remus’ delicate linework, he’d watched him aimlessly doodle at class a million times, or while sitting around the fire in the common room, him playing Wizard Chess or discussing quidditch strategies with James, Peter chomping on some snacks and Remus drawing, with that thousand mile stare in his eyes, a frown of concentration edged on his brow. But he never suspected that _this_ was what he was drawing so intently…

Body parts… round asses, muscular backs, six-packs, hands, feet… thighs, muscles flexing, flowing hair, glistening black eyes… cocks. Lots and lots of erect cocks, from all sorts of angles and Sirius wonders where Remus might have seen all these different cocks and why there is one that keeps recurring, a shorter, stockier one, not unlike his own, and why some of the floating body parts look so familiar without him being able to place them exactly…

But as of now, he officially doesn’t care. He decides to leave art appreciation to Remus and turns his hungry attention back to the previous items. The huge cock is patiently waiting for him on the comforter, and the lacy knickers’ shiny fabric catches the light, drawing his eyes to it, and he wants to grab them and rub them all over his aching dick, and he wants to touch the hard cock and imagine it’s Remus’ and _oh god, he’s so close but he doesn’t want to cum yet, he’s not ready_ , so he rolls up the parchment, puts it back in the box and then places the box at the foot of the bed. He takes the cock and places it on Remus’ pillow. It just sits there, like a perverted display and Sirius can’t help but bend down and lick the tip of it ever so gently. It is warm on his tongue and it tastes of skin.

Sirius knows he won’t be able to hold back for long. He grabs the knickers and wraps the silky fabric around his hard cock, then lays flat on his stomach and presses his erection into the mattress. He shifts his hips and the knickers caress his skin so gently he almost cums again, but he just lowers himself back on the bed, breathing steadily, focusing his attention on the hard cock just inches away from his face. He moves up again, lifting himself off the bed onto his knees and elbows, and he opens his mouth and places his lips around the dildo’s head. He lowers himself and with that, he takes the cock deep into his mouth. He can feel it twitch and he moans into it, and his self-discipline evaporates, and he’s sucking the huge cock and fucking Remus’ knickers like there’s no tomorrow and he’s so close _so fucking close he’s gonna cum he’s gonna cum oh my fucking god he’s gonna cum–_

The cock erupts in his mouth, filling his face with salty waves and Sirius gulps and swallows and he almost chokes and at the same time he’s cumming too, spasming and crying out, shoving his dick deep into the soft fabric, spurting hot cum all over Remus’ bed and his lacy knickers and his own stomach and everything around him. He falls back to the bed, gasping and spent, the dildo gently laying against his face.

_What the actual fuck was that?!_


	3. Part 3 - Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus overhears Sirius in the shower and this leads to some complications. New Year's Eve promises more than just champagne and fireworks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's to Remus catching a bit of a break from all the tough shit. Every now and then, he can also have a good time :)

By the time Remus returned to the room, Sirius was fast asleep. After he’d left him there, sitting alone in the snow in the middle of Yule Ball, Remus waited for a while, then went back to the castle, looked for Sirius for a bit, but realising he wasn’t coming back, he decided to just go back to the Great Hall, as he wasn’t quite ready to end the night just yet. He ended up having a great time, being invited to the professors’ table and having heated discussions with some of them about quidditch and history, and about the merits and flaws of muggle chocolatery with Dumbledore. It was well over midnight by the time McGonagall suddenly got to her senses and ordered the exhausted boy to bed.

He entered the dorm quietly, gently closing the door behind him. He was met with Sirius’ even breathing and he just stood there in the dark for a second, listening to his best friend sleep. He smiled as he silently slipped out of his robes, and under the covers, not bothering to brush his teeth or even put his pyjamas on. He fell asleep almost immediately, gently smiling and thinking what an amazing idea it was, spending the holidays at Hogwarts with Sirius.

* * *

Remus woke up to the sound of the bathroom door closing and the shower being turned on. He groaned as his aching muscles and heavy head informed him that whatever sleep he got last night was clearly not enough, and he was just about to turn towards the wall when an odd noise coming from the bathroom put his mind on a whole new track.

_Hmmmmmnnnn, aaaaaaaagh, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggghhh UHNNNNNG AGGGGHHHHH rhmmus, fuck, FUCK!!! REMUS!!!!!_

His eyes shot open and his eyebrows disappeared under his hairline. _Did he just say “Remus”???_

He had to stifle a surprised little laugh and he held his breath, listening intently. His heart was beating in his throat and he felt his blood catch fire as he imagined Sirius in the shower, one hand on his cock, the other gently fucking his ass, crying out his name as he came. He heard a small thud and he wondered if Sirius just fell in the shower. Maybe he should check on him? Remus lay perfectly still, straining his ears against the splashing of the shower.

The water kept running for a few more minutes and just when Remus was about to get up to check on Sirius, pretending he had to pee, the splashing suddenly stopped. Remus threw himself back into his original position, shifting just enough to hide his raging hard-on under the duvet and slowed his breathing to the deep, even rhythm of sleep. Sirius opened the door really carefully and Remus knew he was listening, trying to gauge whether his little bathroom trip had woken him, but he kept his eyes closed and his body still, and in a minute or so, Sirius was done dressing and bolted out of the room.

Remus could barely wait until he was out of earshot before he dove for his box. He grabbed it under the bed without looking, knowing exactly where it would be, and pulled it up to him on the bed. He opened the lid and threw the piece of black velvet he usually used as a blindfold aside. He won’t need it right now. He wanted to _see_ himself doing it, so he leapt to the wardrobe and opened the mirrored door just enough so the mirror would be facing his bed, giving him a perfect view of himself. He tossed his underpants into the corner, locked the door and raised all magical defences he could think of, including confusion charms that would remind people approaching his room that they had urgent business on the other end of the castle, and slipped back into his bed.

He started by putting on his knickers. They were silky and soft and looked so deliciously slutty he just had to watch himself pose for the mirror a bit, admiring his own body, quietly chuckling about how none of his friends could ever imagine him like this and what their faces would look like if they did.

_Faces_ … The thought brought Sirius crashing back and Remus had to grab a bedpost to steady himself because the sudden rush of desire made him nearly pass out. _No time for this now_ , he decided and dragged the knickers down again, grabbing the dildo he’d kept from that first night in the room of requirement. He was sure it was going to disappear the moment he’d left the room, but for some reason it just hadn’t. So Remus kept it in the box, safely tucked away under his bed, and whenever the occasion arose, he’d grab it and go to town, letting it fuck him raw while he was screaming Sirius’ name into the fist he’d stuff into his mouth to stifle his moans.

_Nobody here to listen now_ , he thought with wild amusement as he took up his favourite position, face down, on his knees, staring at himself in the mirror. The cock dutifully moved up to his entrance and rubbed a few quick circles around it before it plunged into his welcoming hole. He yelped and grabbed the sheets as the dildo slid all the way into him, hitting hard on that delicious spot that always made him cry with pleasure.

“Oh fuck…” he moaned quietly. “Fuck me, Sirius!”

The dildo obliged and it started pounding him, rough and hard, just the way he liked it, and Remus’ eyes rolled up and he was drooling into the pillow and he could barely hear the balls slapping against his ass over his own shameless moans and cries of pleasure. He kept replaying the moment from barely 20 minutes ago, the moment he heard Sirius cum in the shower, moaning loudly and calling for him, and he was moaning too, calling for Sirius, urging him to _take him, fill him, cum inside him_ and as his cock erupted and his synapses exploded into a myriad blinding white sparks, the dildo gave him one last hard thrust and emptied itself into his depth. Remus collapsed onto the bed, crying for real this time, because for the first time in a long time, if not ever, he did something sexual for his own pleasure and his own pleasure only.

* * *

Of course he’d noticed Sirius acting weirdly around him the coming few days. He was more aloof and jittery than he’d ever seen him, alternating between long phases of being completely gone and then coming to, shooting guilty glances towards him and shuffling off to somewhere where Remus wasn’t.

He reckoned Sirius must have felt guilty or confused because of the recent shower incident. He probably had a weird dream or somehow got his wires crossed, so he went to toss off in the morning and somehow, god knows how, he ended up thinking about Remus when he was about to cum and well, the taboo of thinking of a boy, _and his best friend nonetheless_ , that way, just pushed him over the edge. _That must have been what happened,_ Remus thought and he felt sorry for Sirius, because this whole thing must have been really uncomfortable for him, given how much he tried to avoid Remus while still trying to spend the holiday with him as normally as possible.

* * *

By the time New Year’s Eve comes into view, Remus feels so bad about Sirius’ discomfort that he decides to just give him a day to himself to cool off a bit and maybe figure things out, so he announces that he needs to study (which isn’t exactly untrue) and walks off to the library to sit and doodle a little bit and maybe make himself read up for some of his new classes next semester.

He considers going to the room of requirement to have some fun, but he’d never gone there during the day and he chickens out before he could make it to the corridor. Instead, he walks down to the library, finds a nice, sunny spot to sit at by the window, and pulls out a fresh roll of parchment and his favourite drawing quill. He mindlessly doodles for a while, trying to replicate the curve of Sirius’ left shoulder but he’s distracted and he just can’t get the angle right. He frustratedly drops the quill, leans back in his chair and stares out to the gorgeous winter day. Thick snow covers the park and the distant trees behind the lake glitter in the sunshine like they were powdered with pixie dust. His eyes wander to the spot where he and Sirius lay at Christmas and his heart clenches while his lips curl into a pained smile. The way he looked, he _really_ thought Sirius was about to kiss him just then, but it turns out he just had a stomach ache… Remus lets out a bitter little chuckle. It’s an ugly sound and it quickly dies away in the silence of the empty library.

He closes his eyes and thinks about Sirius and what it would have been like, being kissed by him that night. He wonders if it would have been a soft kiss, slow and tentative, or a hungry, passionate one, way more suited for Sirius’ temperament, wilful, greedy and self-assured, taking what he wants, whether or not he’s allowed to have it… Remus’ breath catches and his cock strains painfully against his fly. He glances around but there is nobody about, so he puts his feet up on the opposite chair and pulls his robes loose around his knees, creating enough space under them to quickly unzip and let his cock out of its painful confinement. He doesn’t touch it but he closes his eyes and continues his daydreaming of a night with Sirius and where things could have lead if he just went for it and kissed Sirius then and there.

His eyes shoot open when something hot and wet touches the tip of his cock. He gasps and grabs at thin air. There is nothing there. He looks down into his robes but there is _nothing_ _there_ , only his hard cock sticking out between his legs, camouflaged by the tent of his robes around his knees.

_A pair of lips wrap gently around his head._ Remus chokes back a cry and once again, desperately grabs at the air where the head should be _but there is still nothing there, only the unmistakable sensation of a pair of hot, wet lips on the head of his cock and holy fuck it’s happening, the invisible mouth moves down, sucking him in, and his hips buck and the mouth goes wild, licking and sucking and Remus is moaning, fucking the air, not caring who can hear or see him. He’s lost in ecstasy and as his orgasm builds, the mouth just keeps going more and more aggressively until Remus cries out and explodes and the mouth sucks him dry and licks him clean and he collapses into the chair, dreading the state he would find his clothes in once he’s able to open his eyes again…_

There is nothing there.

Remus’ cock is flaccid, hanging limply over the fly of his pants. His clothes are perfectly clean.

He’d never had a blowjob before but he’s pretty sure that’s what it was, a blowjob, or rather, the illusion of one, and he’s simultaneously baffled, terrified and mortified by the experience. He quickly grabs his stuff, tucks himself away and vacates the library before anybody would investigate the sudden noise. His head is swimming and his heart is racing, and he is so very scared he just wants to find Sirius and _not_ tell him what just happened, just pretend he’d fallen asleep at the library and had a nightmare.

_Of course!_ Relief washes over Remus with such force he almost collapses all over again. _That’s what just happened._ He fell asleep while daydreaming about Sirius and had the weirdest, most vivid dream of his life. _A blowjob-charm? What the fuck, Remus, pull your crap together!_

He giggles at his own stupidity, the terror and confusion already fading to the background. It was a stupid dream, and maybe he could even tell Sirius about it and the two of them could laugh about it together. Okay, maybe not, but he’s definitely no longer afraid, and now he just wants to find Sirius so they could look into their spectacular New Year’s plans.

* * *

He’s drunk, ears hot and tongue heavy with the cheap bubbly drink. The common room is bustling around him, alive with students and music and the festive sounds of the New Year’s celebration. Remus is surprised how many Gryffindors actually stayed this year for the holidays. _Are there always this many? Why haven’t they left? Are there really this many of his housemates that have nowhere to go during the holidays?_

Sirius pinches his face and he snaps out of his thoughts with a painful wince.

“What?” he laughs at his friend.

Sirius is also drunk. Remus can see it in his eyes, the way his left eye seems to lag just a moment behind the right one whenever he turns to look somewhere. He is swaying a bit on his feet and he smells of warm cinder and cheap wine and leather and Sirius, and he wants to melt into his arms and kiss him forever.

Sirius mutters something into his hair but he can’t hear it over the music and he has to stand up on tiptoes so he can shove his ear against Sirius’ mouth.

“What?!” he yells again, louder this time.

“Owlery–“ is the only word he can make out so he nods, grabs his winter cloak and ducks through the portrait hole. A few minutes later Sirius follows suit, wearing his aged leather jacket Remus finds equally sexy and annoyingly pretentious.

They walk up the stairs in companionable silence, leaning on each other for support, slightly breathless from their drunken state.

“So, what are we doing up here?” Remus asks once they are in the tower, sitting on a bench on the outer perimeter with Remus’ heavy cloak draped around them for additional heat.

Sirius pulls a pack of smokes from his pocket and offers Remus a cigarette.

“Seriously?” he raises an eyebrow, but Sirius doesn’t even bother to answer, just puts one between his lips and lazily ignites it with a flick of his wand. He holds the little flame towards Remus who sighs his defeat and lights his own from Sirius’ wand. The smoke is thick in his throat and it makes him cough at first, tearing up and almost vomiting, but then the coughs subside and as he looks as Sirius’ bemused grin he decides that he’ll be damned before he lets this arrogant ass win over him.

They smoke in silence. Sirius taking long, hungry drags, blowing out the smoke so sensually that Remus’ cock starts stirring from the view, while his puffs are small and nervous and often followed by chocked-down coughing fits. Sirius doesn’t look at him, his eyes are fixed on an invisible point of dark beyond the horizon, but his hand slides over Remus’ on the bench and they are smoking and holding hands, alone in the dark, and Remus wishes the moment would never end.

Sirius flicks his cigarette into the dark and gazes deeply into Remus’ eyes. He can’t see much of him because the little light coming from the corridor is behind Sirius’ back, but he can _feel_ his gaze, steady and calm, and it burns his skin like a branding iron.

The gong in the Great Hall sounds, filling the air with its resonant boom, signalling the start of a new year. Sirius’ lips find Remus’ in the dark, and Sirius is kissing him, lips closed but firmly pressed against his, and time freezes and all he can hear is his blood drumming in his ear, and there are flickering lights exploding behind his eyelids, and Remus realises it’s fireworks. _It’s New Year’s Eve, midnight, they are alone in the owlery and behind them, on the other side of the castle, students and teachers stand in front of the building, watching the magical fireworks over the lake. And he’s here, alone in the dark with his best friend, and Sirius Black is kissing him._

Remus sits very very still. His hand is shaking and his fingers are clasped around Sirius’ between them on the bench, but he doesn’t want to break the magic of the moment, so he bites back the moan gathering in the back of his throat and just sits there, letting Sirius take the lead. Eternal seconds pass and nothing happens. Remus’ heart is about to give in. Sirius finally pulls back, and he’s breathing a little heavy and his cheeks are so flushed Remus can see them by the dim light of the fireworks and Sirius smiles at him, pulls a new cigarette out and lights it callously, offering it to Remus. He takes it greedily and shoves it into his mouth, just so he can have something there, just so he can have another bit of Sirius on his lips and Sirius chuckles quietly, a low, melodic sound, and he takes a cigarette and lights it, slowly sucking in the smoke, his eyes glinting in the dark, full of joy and mischief, and Remus is so in love he can’t breathe.

“Happy New Year, Remus!”

“Happy New Year, Sirius.”


	4. Part 4 - James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James learns about two of Remus' secrets, neither of which does he want to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a bit of angst to relieve you from all the porn... Because, you know, you need the hurt to really appreciate the comfort. Or something like that.

“Are they ever gonna fuck?” Peter asks with an exasperated wave of his arm.

James giggles but he doesn’t answer immediately, considering Peter with an appraising look.

“I’m pretty sure Sirius snogged him over the winter” he says finally, drawing the words out contemplatively.

Peter’s eyes widen.

“No way!” he squeals. “How’d’ya know?”

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, Peter” James smirks and his head snaps forward as Lily catches him with a well-aimed smack at the back of the neck.

“Can you two stop gossiping about Remus and Sirius already?” she laughs, but her frown seems genuine.

“Ouch! And why would we ever do that?” James asks, pulling Lily down next to him, snapping a quick kiss on her cheek.

“A, it’s none of your business and B, it’s really unbecoming” she replies, using her best mum-voice and the boys roll their eyes at her in unison.

“Look, Lily, as far as I’m concerned, they are really just asking for it” Peter continues, gesturing wildly. “Sirius has been staring at him so much his eyes are about to fall out ever since we came back from Christmas, and Remus has been a pining mess ever since I’ve known him. I’m pretty sure he has a huge fake cock with Sirius’ name on it” he says, and ducks as Lily is about to smack him too.

James’ face turns a deep cherry red, and he’s glad Lily is too busy chasing Peter around the room while he makes obscene gestures in the air, mimicking Remus confessing his love to the huge fake cock. _Peter has no idea how fucking right he is,_ James thinks and he can barely breathe from the embarrassment of the memories rushing back to him.

_James didn’t mean to see him. It was the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year, and he, Lily, Sirius and Peter headed down to the village to do some shopping and to properly catch up after the holidays. Remus insisted that they’d all go, even though he was still in bed, recovering from his latest bout of sickness, and he just asked for some chocolate frogs from Honeydukes._

_James felt so sorry for him, and he’d also stupidly under-dressed because he thought his spring jacket would look better with his outfit than his heavy winter coat, so after an hour or so, he apologised to the guys and told them he’d head back to the castle to check on Remus and grab his coat while he was there._

_He expected Remus to be asleep so he made sure to open the door as quietly and carefully as possible, not wanting to wake the sick boy unnecessarily. He pushed the door open and was about to slip into the room when he heard Remus’ moans. He panicked, thinking his friend was in pain, and he was about to burst into the room, but Remus’ moans went higher in pitch, more rhythmical and James realised with terror that these weren’t moans of pain at all…_

_“Fuck, Sirius, FUCK ME HARD!” Remus cried and a hot wave of embarrassment flooded James. He could barely supress his mortified giggle that kept tickling the back of his throat, and he fell back against the opposite wall, silently shaking from the mute, tearful laughter, his face burning and his eyes wild with disbelief._

_He stood there, unable to decide what to do until about two minutes later he’d heard Remus cry out once again (“Fuck, FUCK, SIRIUS, I’M CUMMING!!”) and then the room fell silent for a while before he heard Remus get up and walk to the bathroom. He waited until the shower turned on and he dashed into the room, grabbing his coat out of his trunk, and bolting back down the stairs before Remus or anybody else would have discovered he’d ever been there._

James shakes his head, still giggling at the embarrassing memory and once again he considers whether Peter knows way more than he lets on because once again, he casually hit bull’s eye on a secret nobody but he was supposed to know.

Peter had an uncanny sense of guessing people’s secrets for sure. He called it when James and Lily started to fall in love during second year. He called it before James came out, practically even before he admitted it to himself. And now he’s calling Remus and Sirius happening, and he cannot help but feel like he’s onto something again.

Sirius is being a right pain in the ass these days, and James thinks he might just know why.

* * *

James leans into Sirius, resting his head on his friend’s shoulder. The silence between them is heavy, and even though the light spring breeze is pleasantly warm, a chill runs through him. They are sitting by the lake: Sirius is skipping pebbles, and James watches them bounce until they finally break the surface, disappearing from view.

It’s one of the first real spring days. The sun is high in the pale blue sky, radiant but without real warmth yet; it’s enough to lure the students outside though, and the park is full of small groups sitting in the grass, enjoying the good weather.

“Sirius…” he starts tentatively, waiting for his friend’s encouragement.

The boy is silent, his lips pressed into a grim line, and he’s not looking at James, just keeps staring into the water, his hands shaking a bit as he throws the next pebble. He misses the angle and the pebble disappears in the water with a splash. Sirius lets out a frustrated sigh.

“Mate…” James tries again, pulling back so he can face his friend.

Sirius grabs a pebble but James catches his wrist and turns him to face him.

“What?!” Sirius snaps, yanking his arm from James’ grip.

“Sorry” James mumbles and Sirius blushes.

“No, I’m sorry James. What did you want?” he asks, his expression softening.

“I’m just… You’ve seemed stressed lately” he starts carefully, avoiding Sirius’ eyes. “I was just wondering if you…”

“I’m fine–“ Sirius cuts him off before he could finish the sentence, but he won’t look James in the eye either.

Behind them a group of second year girls walk by, chattering and giggling loudly. James looks after them, longingly. There has never been a time he couldn’t talk to Sirius, but lately he’s been acting really strangely, and James is hurt by his defiant silence. He wants to tell Sirius that he knows about what happened between him and Remus over Christmas, and that he can talk to him, that together they can fix this and that it’s going to be alright. He says nothing.

Sirius grabs another pebble and bounces it off the lake. It hops on the water for a long time, drawing a curved line of small circles on the surface; James counts seven bounces before it finally goes under.

* * *

He wakes up to Sirius’ sharp gasp in the dark, and he sits up so suddenly he almost falls out of bed. Peter is lightly snoring in the bed opposite of his, and it takes a few moments until he realises that Remus’ bed is empty. The full moon shines in through the window, slightly illuminating the room and as he turns towards Sirius’ bed, he’s met with his friend’s bewildered eyes, his face contorted in panic. James crawls over to him, wrapping his arms around his friend’s shoulders and Sirius leans into him, giving in to his hug. James hears a choked sound and Sirius’ shoulders start shaking and James realises he is crying. Hot tears soak through his pyjama shirt, and Sirius’ face is pressing hard against James’ breasts.

He holds Sirius there for a long time, until his sobs subside and he lifts his head, his face a testament of fear and anguish. James’ heart is breaking for him.

“Nightmare?” he whispers into the dark, and Sirius nods.

“Can we go for a walk?” he asks in a hoarse whisper and James smiles and slips out of Sirius’ bed, quickly draping himself in a robe, pulling his cloak out of his trunk. Sirius dresses quietly and the two boys sneak out of the room under the confinement of the cloak. Peter’s snores are even and calm.

They go straight to the owlery. Neither of them has to tell the other where they want to go, they know each other too well, and James knows that Sirius needs a smoke, and he could use one for sure too, so they silently climb the stairs and slump down on the stone bench outside, the same bench where Sirius kissed Remus at midnight, almost four months ago.

Sirius pulls two cigarettes from his pockets and he lights up, hands shaking violently. James considers doing it for him for a moment, but he knows how vulnerable Sirius’ pride is and he also knows that this might just be the moment when he finally caves and lets James in on the secret he’s been keeping all this time, and James is ready to hear it. He’s ready to be the supportive friend once again, but he’s also ready to rip Sirius a new one for keeping his stupid secret from him of all people for so long.

Sirius passes the lit cigarette to James and they smoke in silence for a minute.

“James?” Sirius mutters under his breath, puffing smoke out with the word.

James considers him for a second, trying to decide if it’s better to wait or to ask directly, and finally, he settles for the latter.

“It’s Remus, isn’t it?”

Sirius’ eyes widen and he stares at James with a curious expression. He nods.

“I know” James says, his voice low and reassuring.

“You do?” Sirius asks, and there is a hint of anger behind his measured tone.

“Yeah.”

James’s voice is calm and steady, even though he’s growing increasingly confused at Sirius’ expression. He’d expected a love confession, and he never knew Sirius to be the type of person who would get so fussy about falling for a bloke, even if that bloke is one of his best friends. But something isn’t right. Sirius’ expression is dark and there is definitely anger in his eyes, low and seething, and James starts to realise that he might have made the wrong assumption.

“You’re either full of shit or you’re a right cunt, James” Sirius says, his voice trembling with suppressed emotion.

“I know you’re in lo–“

_“He’s a fucking werewolf, James.”_

* * *

“No” James croaks, dropping his cigarette on the floor.

Sirius looks at him with so much pain he can practically smell it on him.

“What did you say?”

“I said no.”

The stars are dancing in front of his eyes, the tower is spinning and he feels like he’s about to fall to his death. He shuts his eyes and presses himself against the wall. Sirius’ voice, a fading murmur in his ear.

He opens his eyes. His head rests on Sirius’ lap, and Sirius’ eyes are full of tears and worry.

“How? When?” James breathes, slowly pushing himself up to sitting position, Sirius steadying him with one arm.

“Easy there” he murmurs, giving James a few moments to collect himself. “It was Regulus who found out, actually. I mean… I should have known, _fuck, James, I should have known…_ ” his words are drowned in the stream of his tears.

It all makes sense now. _Remus’ scars… The way he disappears every full moon, his pale complexion and his greying hair, his measured temper and his sad eyes, it all makes perfect sense_ and the realisation crashes down on James like a ton of bricks.

“Fucking hell, Sirius. Fucking hell…”

“I know” he replies, his voice calmer, and more exhausted than anything else.

“How the fuck did _Regulus_ know and we didn’t?”

James hates himself with passion. Images of Remus’ body contorting, his bones breaking and his skin tearing fill his mind and he almost passes out again.

“He found out by accident. He’d overheard our parents talking over Christmas, about the werewolf registry, and how Dumbledore should never have let one Lupin into the school, and well, he’s a bright kid, he pieced it right together.” Even in the thick of his pain, Sirius’ love for his little brother shines through like a beacon and it drips a bit of warmth back into James’ heart.

“Sirius, I’m so fucking sorry” he breathes, collapsing into his friend’s arms.

“Me too, kiddo. _Me too._ ”

* * *

James hisses at the sudden pain. He’s so used to magic healing that he completely forgot how muggle medicine can be really painful in comparison. The nurse gives him a sympathetic smile and she pulls another vial of his blood. Lily is sitting next to him, holding his hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

James hates blood tests, but he knows, if he wants the changes to be permanent, he’d have to get used to them. If the results come back satisfactory, he’ll finally start on testosterone next month, and that’s pretty much all James wants from life right now. Quidditch and testosterone. He wants his body to feel right, he wants to get rid of these ridiculous boobs so he wouldn’t have to wear a binder all the time, because it’s really fucking hard to play quidditch in a binder, and he wants to be able to swim in the lake, and run around topless and he never fucking wants to hear about it from those fucking Slytherin bitches, especially not Snape and her pureblood-supremacist bullshit gang.

_Remus will never have his perfect body,_ the ugly voice in his head says and a pang of guilt shoots through James, making his teeth grind. Lily gives him a concerned look.

“Hurts?” she whispers and James smiles at her and shakes his head.

“Just a mosquito sting” he winks, and Lily pulls a face that almost makes him giggle.

Later, at home, James buries his face into Lily’s stomach, grounding himself on her warm, sweet smell, and he holds her tight, just a minute too long, Lily’s fingers tangled in his hair and he once again feels so lucky to have her, and he loves her so ferociously his heart feels like it’s going to explode.

_I’ll tell you eventually,_ he promises himself. _I’ll tell you when it’s time and we’ll figure out something. We’ll figure out how to fix this. Together._


End file.
